By: Michael, Darin, Ryan and Colin
Estimated read time: 5.5 minutes
Friday night, four brave young men took on an epic task. They knew it would be difficult, but their resolve was strong. They would face perils unlike any of them had ever seen and they would have to work together in order to accomplish their goal. What follows is a transcript of their journey.
The Task: Taste test 12 of the shittiest light beers they could find in order to unearth truths not previously known about each beer and about ourselves.
The Men: Colin, Michael, Ryan and Darin
The Beers: Natural Light, Aged Rolling Rock (because it was 1 year old), Hamm’s, Old English, KC Lite, Genessee, Colt 45, Modello, Keystone, Milwaukee’s Best Ice, Busch Non-alcoholic (this was done by accident), and Icehouse
Each beer was tasted, rated, commented on and guessed without knowing what was being drank. The answers weren’t revealed until all 12 beers were tested.
Before we begin, it must be noted that all four participants are fairly avid Keystone drinkers. Coming in I’d say all four have drank far more Keystone both in college and currently than any other light beer.
Michael – This is a great breakfast beer. 3.5 stars, Hamms is my guess.
Darin – This tastes like college. 5 stars. It’s gotta be Keystone
Ryan – I could drink this beer morning, noon and night. 4.5 stars. It’s Keystone
Colin – Totally drinkable. Can’t imagine it will be the best. 4 stars. Rolling Rock
The beer was actually: Natural Light
Michael – Tastes like a normal light beer with a dog shit aftertaste. 2.5 stars. It’s KC Lite
Darin – Definitely needs a touch of OJ. 3 stars. This one is Natty.
Ryan – Tastes like a thicker version of Keystone. 2.5 stars. This is Milwaukee’s Best Ice
Colin – This tastes like if you licked a party table at a frat house. This is awful. 1 star. My guess is Natty
The beer was actually: Aged Rolling Rock
Michael – This tastes like freshmen year pre-game. 2.5 stars. My guess is Old English
Darin – This tastes like nothing. Pairs well with Burger King. 2 stars. It’s Icehouse
Ryan – This is like if sparkling grape juice were turned into a beer. 3 stars. It’s Old English
Colin – It’s…not awful? Mike is the Old English connoisseur so it must be that. 2.5 stars
The beer was actually: Hamms
Michael – This looks, smells and tastes like piss. 1.5 stars. My guess is Genessee.
Darin – Pretty rough the second it touched my lips. 1 star. Colt 45
Ryan – It goes down okay but it definitely has a sock aftertaste. 1.5 stars. Colt 45
Colin – Putrid. Just putrid. 1 star. Gennessee?
The beer was actually: Old English
Just so we’re keeping track. NO ONE has gotten one right to this point. We were beginning to learn our lesson.
Michael – is this wine? 3.75 stars. Could be Modello
Darin – Great for shot-gunning. Doesn’t really taste like anything. 4 stars. Could this be the Non-alcholic Busch?
Ryan – It’s like beer flavored La Croux. Good tailgating beer, which I guess is the same as a good shot-gunning beer. 4 stars. Non-alcholic Busch.
Colin – This is better than most, but it’s mostly nothing. 3.5 stars. I’m thinking KC Lite.
The beer was actually: KC Lite
Finally we have one correct!
Michael – Just too much taste. 2.75 stars. Aged Rolling Rock
Darin – Ages well. 3 stars. Aged Rolling Rock
Ryan – It’s like Europe took over my light beer. 3 stars. Aged Rolling Rock
Colin – It just tastes flat. 2.5 stars. Aged Rolling Rock
The beer was actually: Genessee
Michael – I just burped and that burp tasted better than the beer. Never a good sign. 2 stars. Colt 45
Darin – This is the beer you reach for when KU Football is down 30. A feeling I know all too well. 3 stars. KC Lite
Ryan – Smells repugnant. I would use this to commit suicide. ½ a star. Icehouse
Colin – No comment. Just…no comment. 2.5 stars. Icehouse
The beer was actually: Colt 45
Michael – This is the most average beer in the world. 2.5 stars. Non-alcholic Busch.
Darin – I’m starting to think everything is a 3 star. 2 stars. Hamms
Ryan – It’s like this beer went flat but someone tried to recarbinate it. 1 star. Gennessee
Colin – I’m convinced this is the Non-alcoholic Busch. If this is Keystone, I will kill myself. 0 Stars
The beer was actually: Modello
Michael – I would not buy this beer. 2.5 stars. Natty is my guess.
Darin – It’s a siesta in my mouth. 2.5 stars. Modello
Ryan – Nothing to say. It’s slightly above average. 3.5 stars. My guess is Natty
Colin – This tastes like the non-alcoholic beer from before. 1.5 stars. Hamms.
The beer was actually: Keystone
Michael – Sucks. 1 star. Icehouse
Darin – This is the David of light beers, you guys are underrating it. 4 stars. Milwaukee’s Best Ice.
Ryan – Stale, leftover smell. It hits the taste buds like a ton of bricks – 1 star. KC Lite
Colin – My firs sip was better than all of the following sips. 2.5 stars. Milwaukee’s Best Ice.
The beer was actually: Milwaukee’s Best Ice
Michael – It needs…something. 2 stars. Probably the Non-alcholoic Busch.
Darin – This is the last beer of the night that you probably don’t need. 2.5 stars. I agree, Non-alcoholic Busch.
Ryan – Smells like vegetables, tastes like bad cheese. 1.5 stars. Modello.
Colin – This tastes like disappointment. 2 stars. Modello
The beer was actually: Non-alcoholic Busch
I would argue that Colin got this correct with his description
Michael – I don’t care anymore. I want a Keystone. 1.75 stars. No guess
Darin – Give me an IPA please. 1.5 stars. Gennessee
Ryan – Even fairly buzzed, this beer tastes like shit. 1 star. Milwaukee’s Best Ice.
Colin – I’m glad this is over. 2.5 stars. Colt 45
The beer was actually: Icehouse
By the end, we learned something I think we all knew to begin with. All light beers taste the same. Darin, Michael and Colin all got 2/12 correct, while Ryan got 0 and paid the price of chugging a non-alcoholic Busch.
Below are our combined ratings for each beer:
- Natural Light – 17 points
- KC Light – 15.25 points
- Gennessee – 12.25 points
- Keystone – 10 points
- Hamms – 10 points
- Aged Rolling Rock – 9 points
- Colt 45 – 8.5 points
- Milwaukee’s Best Ice – 8.5 points
- Non-Alcholoic Busch – 8 points
- Icehouse – 6.75 points
- Modello – 5.5 points
- Old English – 5 points
Special thanks to Elle and Chelsee for serving us the beers, keeping track of the list and not giving us more shit for COMPLETELY sucking at guessing these beers.