By: Andy Foote, who you can follow on Twitter here: @ThatJewishGuy4
Estimated read time: 6.5 minutes
We are two glorious weeks into the 7th season of Game of Thrones, and I’m here to present you with a quick recap, and some off-the-wall theories about what may happen. Since my editor and on-again-off-again boyfriend Colin so wonderfully covered The Starks, I will be covering the leftovers, aka the shitty Lannisters, The even shitter Greyjoys, Brienne and Tormund, the Sandsnakes, Olenna Tyrell, and Dany because people still seem to think she’s important to this story.
BUT FIRST SANDOR “THE HOUND” CLEGANE
Bear with me on this one. Sandor Clegane is actually Azor Ahai. But you’re reasonable people, how could that doucher be the champion of the Lord of Light when he’s afraid of fire? Let us examine:
- He was branded by fire. This was entirely an accident, but he is a living symbol of the power the Lord of Light has. Fire is his thing.
- He sees real visions in the fire. Melisendre and Thoros both get hints, see vague faces and get bread crumbs as to what their next move is, and all they ever see is in the fire, is, well, fire. My boy The Hound? He sees the real stuff. Looking into the fire, he sees ice. The Walkers. The truth.
- He’s here for a reason. I know this isn’t hard evidence, but Beric Dondarrion essentially said as much. Clegane has a role to play in the war against the Walkers. Mark my words.
The Lannisters (Cersei and Jamie)
The Westerosi version of the Kardashians, with slightly less incest. They’re in a pickle. Everyone hates them, their forces are deserting them, and as Robert Kardashian (Tywin Lannister) informed us a few seasons ago, Casterly Rock is out of money and resources. They need allies, and are turning to anybody that will listen, which is almost nobody. Enter Euron Greyjoy, a sad attempt to recreate Victarion from the books, but still an amazing character. Cersei denies his marriage proposal after he jokes that she should kill Jamie, but they are somehow still working together because, reasons.
They have nobody to blame but themselves for being in this situation. Cersei on her best days is bat-shit crazy, and on her worst days a (expletive deleted due to Political Correctness). Where do they go from here? They just struck a huge blow to Dany, which I will talk about in a second, but the Queen is stuck between a Dragonstone and a hard place. Does she sit and wait for the inevitable attack, and pray her ballistae are enough to kill a freaking dragon? I hope so because I hate her and want her to be eaten. Jamie is ok. He can live. And Randall Tarley is a minor character who will die shortly and not be missed.
The Greyjoys (Theon the Gender-neutral, Yara, and Euron)
Honestly, I can’t remember a better fight scene while at sea. Well done GOT, you’ve made this Navy Sailor proud and kinda wishing I was Viking or a Greyjoy so I could plunder the seas. Yara is dead. We don’t have official confirmation of this, because as Sandor Clegane has shown us, unless you see a person’s head severed and their body incinerated, nobody is dead on this show. At this point, there are really only two paths for Yara:
- She’s dead. Decapitated by that bad ass axe.
- Euron is about to go all “Lannister” on her, and impregnate her in order to cement his claim to the Iron Islands. This is more realistic, but for her sake I really hope she’s dead.
And just when you thought Theon had put his past behind him, Reek shows up at the most inopportune time. Can’t say I’m surprised, can’t say where Theon will go now, and unrelated, I also can’t say the word dynasty anymore, after hearing the Lannisters say it incorrectly like 6 times. Is it bad that I kind of agree with Theon’s actions? Yara was dead to rights. If he tried to save her, all he would do is die needlessly. Now he lives to fight another day, but who would have an emotionally damaged deserter?
But my man Euron Greyjoy!!! We are only two episodes in but DAMN was he a badass with that axe. On top of straight up insulting the Lannisters for incest, implying Jamie can’t give it to Cersei properly, and making Theon piss his pants and run away, this dude was a SAVAGE on the battle field. Killed the Sand Snakes, butchered everybody, and beat/captured/killed(?) Yara. He is in the running for my favorite character this season. Good luck Arya!
Brienne and Tormund are relationship goals. I find myself caring about them far more than Grey Worm and Foxy Cleopatra. Does anyone really care about these two? Grey Worm is a straight badass, but as a soldier in this crazy world I feel like his lifespan is limited. And Missandei, aside from being smoking hot, has less character development than Ros, a character that nobody misses. +5 points to you if you even remember Ros.
Littlefinger has the North exactly where he wants it. I don’t know how he got it this way, but I foresee a situation where he somehow, some-freaking-way marries Sansa, becoming King of the North. Of course, Jon Snow has to die again for this to happen, or *gasp* marry Daenerys Targaryen?!?
The sand snakes are dead, cut down in their prime. Boo hoo, they were completely uninteresting and had no character development. And who the hell brings a whip to an axe fight?? Their mother, Ellaria Sand, is about to PAAAAAAYYYY for poisoning Myrcella Lannister. Remember? Cersei’s daughter? Yea that was Ellaria in revenge for Oberyn Martell’s death (RIP in peace). She was just captured by Euron and will be delivered to Cersei.
I guess I should take a minute to talk about Dany and her posse. Dany is following the single dumbest pattern in GOT. She swoops in and claims something, does NOTHING, FREAKING NOTHING, for 6 episodes, and then sets everything on fire. Like a wise man texted to me the other day, “Her best moments are then she goes ham and flames shit into oblivion.” (Colin Chiles, Second of his Name, Gentleman on the Streets, Freak in the Sheets) She is getting bad advice from everywhere. Tyrion seems content to let her sit at Dragonstone while everyone else fights for her, a strategy that has yet to work. Olenna Tyrell is the only one telling her to light the kingdom on fire, and frankly that’s the only way she’s going to win the Iron Throne.
There is an argument to be made that if Dany defeats the White Walkers, it will rally the seven kingdoms to her side. The glaring issue with this is that nobody seems to believe the Walkers even exist. If Dany sends her dragons and army to fight the dead, I believe that even if she wins, all that will do is weaken her forces. The people of Westeros don’t know or care about the Walkers, so why should she waste her time?
I will give her some credit, she doesn’t take losing lightly. And she just lost badly to the Iron Fleet. Expect a revenge play in the near future, but don’t expect Dany to actually do anything interesting. I anticipate a boring siege of Kings Landing, while awaiting Jon Snow to save the day (because he’s the coolest). To summarize, Dany is the worst until she lights everything on fire.
Two questions Colin and I will look to answer in next week’s article we will co-write:
- Who wins this thing? Who sits on the Iron Throne at the end of all this?
- Who dies first this season; Cersei, Jamie, Arya, Jon, Sansa, Theon, or Dany, and why?