By: Colin Chiles, who you can follow on Twitter here: @ColinC27
Estimated read time: 3.5 minutes
Welcome to our new article series, “Would You Rather?”, where we are going to take a semi-serious look at a number of popular “would you rather” questions. If you aren’t sure what I mean, well, I don’t blame you. You’ll just have to check it out and see for yourself. I wrote this introductory article with just one hypothetical but I intend to include multiple questions within most articles and I also expect we may end up having a number of people chime in from time to time.
We might play around with the format for a little while before we settle on something. One thing I know for sure though is I want this to be a conversation. So I’m asking you to please offer up suggestions and your own thoughts. The reason “would you rather” questions are so fun is the differing opinions and the wide variety of question types that exist. If you have one you’d like to see us tackle, please let us know!
So let’s begin!
Would you rather have a dog sized elephant or an elephant sized dog?
At first glance, this is a pretty simple one. Other than Emily Elizabeth, who would want a dog that was the size of an elephant? In this circumstance, we are assuming the dog keeps it’s dog like demeanor, because if it didn’t then all you have is a furry elephant. My first thought is… just logistically… where are you keeping this gargantuan dog? I hope you have 10+ acres on a farm out in the country for it to roam otherwise you’re just being cruel to James, your new, hypothetical giganto-dog. (yes I just named him for you).
More logistics – how much are you going to have to feed this thing? Maybe you could convert that grain silo on your farm to a dog food chamber. And I’m no scientist, but you know what living things usually do after they eat? They poop. Better stock up on gallon sized trash bags or prepare to live with the stink. Although slight bonus here – it’s unlikely you’ll be stepping in any dog poop because it’s going to be in hard to miss piles all over the yard. Maybe you could train James to poop in a lagoon? I don’t know, I’m trying to get you out of this poop mess and that’s the only thing I can come up with.
Finally, what kind of toys are we talking here? I’m picturing James ripping out trees for sticks and chasing people around instead of squirrels. And if he catches one? Look out – now you’ve got murder charges on your hands and the town calling for James’s head.
Are there even any advantages to the elephant sized dog? I guess you could ride James around, and if he was well trained then that could be a pretty energy friendly way to travel. But even with that, James is almost definitely going to destroy some shit during his travels and guess who’s paying for that?
Thinking deeper into this it’s not like the dog sized elephant is a spectacular choice either. Tiny elephants would be adorable because, well, everything tiny is adorable. But I’m going to say the pros end there. Think about adults elephants at the zoo. What do they do all day? Fucking nothing! Do you really want this tiny elephant in your house creepily standing around doing nothing? It’s not like you’ll be playing fetch with your brand new dog sized elephant. Are you going to take it for a walk? Would the elephant even walk with you? And what are you going to do, cuddle with it? I’m not convinced cuddling with an animal that doesn’t have fur would be a positive experience.
Plus now all the sudden you have to worry about poachers going after your tiny elephant’s tiny tusks? You know there’s going to be a huge market for that. Now you’re looking sideways at your neighbors and suspicious of your own family. Look, all I’m saying is be careful of who you invite to your dinner parties.
The best thing I can think of that I would want to do with a dog sized elephant is dress it up. I feel like the elephant isn’t really going to care if you put a loose bow tie and monocle on it. Maybe a nice sweater or some little booties. I might even put a moustache at the end of that long trunk.
So what’s my choice? Fucking neither. Let’s keep our dogs dog sized and our elephants elephant sized. But if I HAD to choose? I’ll go with the non-murdering dog sized elephant.