By: Jon Brogan, who you can follow on twitter here: @jayhawkpride13
One of the best movies ever is Predator. I’m assuming everyone has seen it. But in case you haven’t, the general premise is that there’s an elite unit of the military that goes to the rainforest to destroy an army of bad guys. They are led by superhuman Arnold Swartzenegger and filled with guys that have bigger arms than my body. However, once they are there, an invisible alien lifeform attacks them. As a kid it always had me thinking….. what if you brought together a collection of the biggest and baddest dudes? How much could they accomplish just by sheer muscle? Well, after watching Aaron Judge make real baseball look like a video game, I have to believe that he is one of the biggest and baddest we have today. Using Judge as motivation, I’d like to play this out: if we brought together all the biggest baseball players, could they knock over an entire city? Well let’s find out together.
Captain of this renegade unit is Barry Bonds. Bonds grew an inch taller in 2002 at the common growth age of 37. This in no way could have anything to do with anything other than Barry being THE baddest dude.
To attack the city of New York and save it from the most evil short man alive, David Eckstein. The city is overrun by David Eckstein and his evil minions of short and gritty baseball players. They want to eliminate home runs in baseball and lower hoops in the NBA to 7 feet. They hide inside the buildings of New York. You’re reading this article so you have to go along with this premise.
Inside Marlins Park:
Barry Bonds (Leader of AAAAA – Awesomely Athletic Association of Arbiters with Attitude): “Giancarlo, get in here.”
Giancarlo: “What is it cap?”
Barry: “I need you to assemble a team of the best. David Eckstein is back. And he’s shorter than ever.”
Giancarlo: “Holy Whitey Ford. Even MadBum?”
Barry: “Especially MadBum”
Aaron Judge – Next superhuman baseball player. I can’t wait for the all-star game this year when Aaron Judge stands next to Jose Altuve. It will be glorious. Every group needs a mentee who gets mentored by the older/wiser guy. Think Ben Affleck in Armageddon.
Pedro Serrano (Major League) – He’s the spiritual guy every team needs. He calms everyone down when they’re unsure of what to do next. Loves talking to his God, Jobu, and wasting good alcohol. Only weakness: curves. Of any kind.
Madison Bumgarner – Wild card. No one knows what he’s going to do next. He has never spoken to anyone else in AAAAA. They also don’t know how he’s going to actually help but he always does. Weakness: Have you seen his wife?
Joaquin Phoenix from Signs – Even weirder than the wild card. Quiet guy with huge swing. Weakness: Always needs someone telling him when to swing away.
Giancarlo: “You are the best at what you do. Definitely not the brightest. But clearly the best at swinging a stick with a lot of force. New York needs you.”
Pedro: “I swing bat for New York. And Jobu”
Aaron: “Why couldn’t they just attack Queens? I hate that place”
Madison: says nothing, sitting in a corner staring at the wall
Joaquin: “It’s near water. I knew water was going to be involved”
Giancarlo: (shaking his head) “Let’s just go get ‘em”
Joaquin is the first to die. I know, that was right off the bat (HA!). Without Giancarlo around to tell him to swing away, he stands next to the building hoping it would fall on its own. He starts to hear voices coming from inside the building when it doesn’t fall. He gets freaked out and panics. He ends up running into the water and drowning.
Total buildings destroyed: 0
Pedro Serrano starts swinging as hard as he can into the biggest buildings he can find. After every building knocked down, he throws back a shot and thanks Jobu for his help. He continues to laugh maniacally while destroying each building. Hundreds of unworthy little guys like Jerrod Dyson, Tim Collins and Jimmy Rollins are crushed in the rubble. Just as he’s beginning to get tired, he sees the Grace Building and his eyes widen. “Such a pretty target for me to destroy!” He swings the hardest a man could ever swing! But the curve of the building makes the bat miss entirely. The swing is so hard he spins himself into a tornado and disappears up into the sky to be with Jobu for eternity.
Total buildings destroyed: 9
Madison Bumgarner all the while is still staring at the same wall in the same corner from before. He’s worked himself into a seething lather few could even comprehend. Every hair on his body is standing straight up. He whistles a shrill whistle, so high pitched that humans can’t even hear. Out of nowhere, a horse bursts through the corner, twice as tall as most horses. Bumgarner says one word: “Kneel”. The horse kneels as he climbs on it’s back. They bound down the street and begin bashing into buildings with the combined power of a freight train. The lanky arms of MadBum provide his bat ample speed to connect with the buildings and they fall down in quick succession. All up and down 3rd Ave the buildings, and Ryan Theriot, fall with a thunderous sound. After a while, Madison stops as if he heard his name called. His horse explodes into a pile of beef jerky. He eats one piece and walks away never to be seen again.
Total buildings destroyed: 40
After spending two days turning buildings into minced meat, Aaron and Giancarlo looked at one another. They are the only ones left standing in AAAAA, besides Barry of course but it seems he’s caught up in court somewhere for some reason, surely having nothing to do with cheating or illegal substances. The two days took a lot out of Aaron and Giancarlo as they destroyed nearly every building in the city. It came easy to them to destroy the lives of these small little men who did not deserve to play professional baseball. And finally, there was one building remaining. Tied at 300 buildings a piece, they looked at each other.
Giancarlo: “Go ahead Aaron. You’re the star now. You deserve to end David Eckstein’s reign.”
Aaron: “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. You are the one to do it.”
Giancarlo: “Let us do it together. You swing from the north, I from the south. We are brothers. Forever”
In that moment of impact, the entire city of New York evaporates into thin air. The power of each bat colliding with the building at the same time is so great that it disturbs the space-time continuum. They are instantly transported to another time and dimension.
Then. In the distance, they see it. A Tyrannosaurus Rex is sprinting towards them with its claws stretched out. Ready for blood.
Aaron: “I’ll be the Judge.”
Giancarlo: “I’ll be the Jury. Let’s execute this motherfucker.”
Did I just create a spin off cop series with Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton? Yes, yes I did.
Thank you for diving into this with me. If you made it this far…well…you should probably question your life because surely there were much more productive uses of your time. Seriously, like, anything else would have been better. I’m disgusted in you.
We did answer one question though. Could the biggest and baddest dudes in baseball destroy an entire city? Yes. It seems they could.